Families: making the transition

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Help Your Child Deal with the Stress of Applying to College

By Herbert F. Dalton, Jr., Director of Enrollment Planning, Middlebury College

A troubling - and growing - component of applying to college is stress. Stress strikes both high school students and their parents. And in all too many cases, whether or not they admit it, parents are the source of anxiety.

Here are some reasons that parents can add to a student's stress and to their own:

• Parents may try to live their own lives through their children. One symptom of this syndrome is pronoun confusion, in which the parent explains to the college counselor, "We really want to go to Vassar."
• Some parents are unrealistic. They don't know their child's college admission "profile" (how he or she stacks up against other applicants) or how competitive certain colleges are. Much of their knowledge may be based on their own college admission experience and therefore may not be up-to-date or applicable to their child.
• For many parents, the college admission process represents the first time the child is in the driver's seat making decisions which is also the last time parents are in control. Some of the parents' own unresolved feelings toward their child's new independence can infect the process.

As a parent, there are several things you can do to help your child cope with the stress of applying to college:

• Start talking about college with your child by asking questions. The family that begins the process by dealing with the question "Why college?" before trying to find the right college is going about things in the right order.
• Communicate. Listen to what is said or not said. Be aware of your child's concerns, priorities, and choices. Children, not parents, should fill out college applications and take the lead in the application process.
• Know the admission criteria for the colleges on your child's list and know your child's credentials. One unrealistic mother commented, "I knew Amy wasn't in the top 50 percent of her class, but I had no idea she was in the bottom half!"
• Help your child set himself or herself up for success. Make sure that your child applies to at least two colleges where he or she will be accepted. If you know your child can't get into Yale, don't insist that he or she apply.
• Let your child take the initiative. He or she should be the one scheduling visits and calling admission counselors with questions. If the child is responsible from the beginning, this can eliminate conflict down the road.
• A recent issue of Spy magazine listed the greatest fear of New Yorkers as "owning inferior children." Love your children for what they are and help them find a place where they can be happy and successful.

Tips for Helping Your Parents Let Go

[excerpted from Off to College 2005, p.23]

Arrange a schedule to contact your parents and stick to it. Whether you promise to call or e-mail once a week or return home to visit once a month, you need to negotiate in advance how you will stay in contact with your parents. They have an eighteen-year investment in you, and it is normal that they will be curious about how things will work out. If you satisfy their curiosity, they will not spontaneously drop in on you.

Share good news as well as bad. If your telephone calls or e-mails to your parents are a one-tone whine, they will have a tendency to believe your life is falling apart. Make sure you balance the bad news with the good so that your parents get used to the idea that you can manage your own life.

Learn how to handle your own problems. You do better at college if you learn to negotiate with staff yourself. Relying on your parents to handle your housing bill or to complain about your roommate simply prolongs your childhood.

Encourage your parents to visit your college at least once. Seeing you in your new context as a functioning adult helps your parents realize that you are a capable person. If your college has a Parents' Day, encourage your parents to attend. If nothing else, finding out that other parents have dealt with some of the same issues may alleviate some of their fears.

Enlist other people, when necessary, to help you deal with your parents.  Sometimes your parents won't believe you when you tell them that even an art major can find a job, or that your talent is in English literature rather than in physics.  Professionals at your college deal with the anxieties of parents all the time. Encourage your parents to talk to them.

10 THINGS WE WANT YOU TO KNOW:

(Reprinted with permission from Talbots Student Planning Book)

1. Don't go nuts. The new found freedom of college life can give you the tendency to develop bad habits. This must be avoided by setting new rules and limitations for yourself. Just because you are not living under your parents' rule does not mean you should do whatever you want. You must exert self-control and discipline in both your studies and your social activities in order to succeed.
2. Don't expect to be best friends with your roommate. Many students go to college with the idea that their roommate will undoubtedly be one of their best friends. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Some roommates hardly even speak to each other. Most roommates have different habits, sleeping patterns, behaviors, and schedules. However, it is important to respect one another's space and develop a healthy relationship in which you can communicate freely about any problems.
3. Familiarize yourself with the campus and all the resources it has to offer. Make sure you know your way around so you make it to class on time, as well as knowing where to find laundry rooms, workout facilities, libraries, computer rooms, etc.
4. Do not limit your circle of new friends to those people who live near you. Reach out and keep meeting new people with diverse backgrounds. It's a good way to broaden your own horizons.
5. Get a lanyard or key chain. It is important to keep track of all keys and ID cards so as not to misplace them, nor waste time looking for them.
6. Do not spend all of your time trying to stay in touch with friends from home. Though it is often times easier to associate with those you already know, it is important to open yourself up to new people and friendships.
7. Be prepared for the weather. Many students forget that campuses are often big and sprawling, and to get from class to class students often have to walk a distance. Dorms are usually removed from the academic area, and are too far a walk between classes. Dress accordingly when leaving for class in the morning and be prepared to spend some time outdoors.
8. Get to know your Resident Assistant. The RA acts as a two-way street relaying information between residents and the school administration. In order to hear about campus issues and also to voice your own concerns, it is beneficial for you to maintain a healthy relationship with your RA.
9. Learn about public transportation and the area surrounding your college. Learn how to obtain resources outside of the college, as well as how to get home via buses, trains etc. Trips to your local pharmacy, the Gap, or the grocery store are all a little more complicated as most students don't have a car. It is therefore important to learn how to use other modes of transportation.
10. Do not expect to get settled right away. It often takes students a period of time to get comfortable with their new environment and find the friends and activities that are right for them. Getting adjusted to college is a gradual process, and it takes everyone time to transition.

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